im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
