East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I just found puke in my bra..
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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