Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
