i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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