Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize