who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
