I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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