Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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