How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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