My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You pole danced in your parka.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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