when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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