I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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