just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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