My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize