Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
