We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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