it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
