so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
