My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
