Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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