I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Terrible idea I love it
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
