I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He? As in you personified your dick?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
