we have pet lesbian snakes
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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