i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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