i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
