he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
