Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
