sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
