I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Is it because I queefed?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
