i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
