I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
