I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
