I accidentally had phone sex last night
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
