I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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