Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
