he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
