There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
