So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
