4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
