So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
