Have you finally orgasmed yet?
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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