My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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