How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
