If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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