i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
