I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
