she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
