Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
