There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
