I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
