My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
