it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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