The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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