yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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