I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
