my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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