I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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