i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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