He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize