I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
