I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
