just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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