you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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