and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
