Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
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