Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Also, beer. Big fan.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
