you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I think my fart just growled at me.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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