She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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